Santana, who is Done dealing with Jojos
by Jennifer Wilson
Summary: In which Santana frequently deals with Joseph Joestar's shit. He didn't get roasted by a sun almost to death just to play housemaid to some overgrown brat! Alternatively, Jojo's a manipulative piece of shit. Good thing that Santana enjoys the times when Jojo digs himself into a hole.


**A/N: I did say that there would be Jojo, didn't I? Anyway, this is my first Jojo fic. This is AU, taking place where instead of Santana being frozen/hibernating/dead after being roasted by the sun in a well, Joseph takes him in. A begrudging pillar man servant. Of course he's OOC, but it's a pleasure to write this piece.**

* * *

"Okay." Santana snickered as he strode quickly towards the door. "Have I got a _surprise_ for you, Jojo."

"What is it?" Joseph Joestar dreaded the look on his face.

" _JOSEPH! COME RIGHT OUT HERE!"_

" _JOJO, HOW COULD YOU TREAT SUCH A LOVELY LADY LIKE THAT? GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!"_

"[OH MY GOD!] Please, for the love of god do not let me out into there!" Joseph Joestar started shivering. "I'm still too young to die!"

"Happy flying, _Mr. Joestar."_ With a terrifying grin, the Pillar man quite happily threw the esteemed real estate tycoon out to the slavering dogs.

"Suzie. Suzie, let me explain—"

" _I have absolutely no words to say to you! Business trip you said. Nothing to worry about. Well, you have_ two _kids in Japan, one of which I know nothing about? And what's this about another Joestar in Italy? My HOMETOWN!"_

" _Jojo, I'm very disappointed in you."_

"Oh come on Caesar—wait, I never went to Italy the last few years, what do you mean like that—"

" _Still in denial? Suzie, if you would allow me—"_ There was a ton of ass whopping sounds right off the bat, and the people in the room collectively winced as Joseph Joestar went through a whole world of pain. And what appeared to be a Ripple strike to his family jewels, if what the comments going outside were implying.

"Well, I did tell you that I derive my payment in maximum pain." Santana, the organizer of this unique bunch of chaos, was busy chuckling. "Jojo, if you had warned me earlier I could have brought over Ms. Higashikata for a nice round of fisticuffs."

"Do you have to be such a sadist?" Polnareff pointed out, even as he kept his gaze off the quarrel in the corridor.

"Sadist?" Santana shot to his feet. "This guy is the absolute **worst**! Have you ever flown with him before? He literally has bad karma with planes!"

"Duly noted." Announced those who had shared a plane ride with _Tower Grey._ Or the crash landing in Egypt. Take your pick.

"Furthermore, he constantly tries to predict what you're saying, and is _never serious._ Fifty years of dealing with that piece of shit. I have had enough of him!"

"Still, you did help us." Kakyoin wryly shook his head. "What are you?"

"Hmm? I'm a primeval race that aims to achieve immortality." Abdul's eyes widened, while Polnareff and Jotaro stiffened, with Jotaro hurriedly standing up, Star Platinum mobilizing in a blink of an eye.

"Calm the fuck up! Obviously I'm not of the DIO kind, am I? If not, your idiot grandfather wouldn't have left a serial murderer together in a room with his allies, would he?" Jotaro sat down again, hands cross with absolutely no emotion whatsoever.

"Now, as I was saying, I'm a 'Pillar Men' as your language puts it. I'm nigh immortal, and usually can't go out in the sun, but this sun tan cream helps shield from that, so I'm working with the Speedwagon Foundation in their medical division. You better thank your _stars_ that my connection with the organization let me catch wind of what Jojo was about to pull, or you'll be in a whole world of pain right now."

"Don't remind me." Kakyoin winced. "It's only because of you that we're all still sitting in a hospital room right now."

"If it weren't for me, Jojo wouldn't even have his line continued, which may not be so bad for the world after all—"

"Hey, talking shit about me?" A very bruised Joseph Joestar finally emerged from the violence in the corridor, bearing marks of his beatdown by irate spouse and friend alike. The two criminals coolly walked in after him, with Suzie Q cooing over Jotaro much to the latter's dismay. The afore-mentioned Caesar, who appeared to be closer to Abdul's age rather than Joseph and Suzie Q, leaned against the door, humming some tune which eerily resembled something of _The Bangles._

"Yeah. If you hadn't decided to bring more Joestars to the world, then none of this would have happened."

"Pshaw! We know you love us anyway." Joseph dismissively waved his hand. "Anyway, you were right about trump cards and such. The reason why DIO was able to extend his ability was because he wasn't fully used to grandpa Jonathan's body yet."

"He couldn't have. Vampires last even when their heads are cut off. To fully kill one, you need to blast their head open, beyond point of reviving."

"Oh, and I suppose that you'll know about that eh?" Joseph impishly blew a raspberry even as Santana rose from his comfortable perch on Kakyoin's bed to flick the sixty-eight year-old man on the forehead. With that done, Santana gracefully sat down, glaring as Joseph continued to make those click-click sounds.

"Very funny, Jojo." Caesar rolled his eyes.

"Wait a minute— Polnareff, who was still confused about the entire business, raised his hand. "How did you guys even meet in the first place?"

"Long story short, I was hibernating for some time." Santana pointed to Joseph. "Then I _encountered_ him."

"AND THE SANTANA REJOICED! Yow!"

"Behave, Jojo." Suzie Q lowered her hand back to her side. If looks could kill, Joseph would have been burnt to death with the power of a thousand suns, judging by the glare that the Pillar Man cast him.

"Anyway, I got defeated, and Joseph Joestar pretty much declared me his new servant. We beat up my former guardians (not that they were anything but overlords brainwashing me) and this _human—_ " At least Caesar had looked abashed as Santana pointed to him, "Had needed me to come to the rescue. Which I did because Wammu was more interested in fighting me, his fellow student instead."

"I am grateful for your help. Less so with how you basically roasted me over the coals together with Lisa Lisa after I got out of the hospital."

"You caused that Ripple Warrior to _cry_. Therefore you deserve it." Santana said decisively. "Which we have rehashed over and over. Like I said, fifty years, people."

"Jojo beat Wammu. Esidisi. And the earth sent Kars, who was the leader of us all, into space. Where according to last check, had turned into some half-mineral, half-animal form incapable of thought. I thought I was free to hibernate once more."

"But _noooo~_ I thought he was an interesting bastard. And Uncle Speedwagon thought so too." Joseph sang as he threw an arm around Santana.

"I decided to take the opportunity to single out more details on the Red Stone of Ajaja." Santana continued. "And when this idiot got into trouble…"

"He rescued us. Again. And kept exacting worse humiliations." Joseph whined. " _Why do you always put me in the most compromising situations?"_

"Your pain is my enjoyment." Santana said flatly. "And I have more sources of entertainment then just you, anyway. Back to the story."

"'Stand users would always encounter other Stand users.' When Joseph got his stand, a few of the technicians and I—"

"Just say techies and me."

"Grammatically incorrect. And this coming from a being who only acquired speech through Germans, _as opposed to someone raised in England and who lived in the States for the past fifty years!"_

"Bleugh." With practiced care, all of the older folks ignored Joseph's childish behavior.

"We discovered that the source of DIO's stand was Enya, J. Geil's mother. She acquired them from a man named Diavolo in Italy, and when I was investigating that man, Caesar appeared, and we both found out from Suzie that Holly had fallen ill."

"Congratulations, Jojos. You're proud nephews of one Haruno Shiobana and Josuke Higashikata respectively."

" _Haruno Shiobana?"_ Joseph scratched his head. "Who the hell is that?"

"Apparently," Santana gave a wry grin. "He's DIO's son in Jonathon's body."

"…Seriously. [OH MY GOD!]" Joseph palmed his face. "So does he…"

"He's a two year old right now." Santana pronounced flatly. "I would think that toddlers would not hurt a fly, especially for a human. Caesar and Suzie Q have contacted his mother, and looks like it's a one night stand by _DIO,_ and not Jojo. As Suzie should have _known_ if she were _listening to me._ "

"Ehehehe." Jotaro's grandmother scratched her head sheepishly.

"On the other hand, Josuke Higashikata. He's in hospital, and some of the Speedwagon operatives are relaying his condition to us. All three are in stable condition, including Holly."

Both Joseph and Jotaro let out a sigh that they had not known they were holding in until then. So it was done. _Finis._ Finally, they were about to go back home.

"Anyway…I was busy arranging their affairs when I found out you were in Cairo already. I rushed here on an earlier plane, while Caesar quickly contacted Holly, and we were able to pinpoint the rise in number of Joestars since the last family census." Joseph whistled as both Suzie Q and Caesar flicked him on the forehead. "I came here, found another vampire, which is _bloody ridiculous_ because there were not supposed to be anymore. But then again, it's DIO."

"It's DIO. DIO is dead." Kakyoin repeated himself, smile curling up the corners of his mouth. _"DIO IS DEAD!"_ A cheer went about the room.

Their journey was over at last.

* * *

"Jotaro?" Santana looked up as Jotaro walked up to him. Nearby, they could hear the sounds of Polnareff rifling through the room he shared with Abdul for his clean pair of trousers while Joseph was being of absolutely no help whatsoever if the 'click-click' sounds were heard correctly.

"…You could have let gran be unaware of his extramarital affair. I know the old man wouldn't have brought it up, and gramps' friend didn't stick around in gramps' business when it's not about Ripple things."

"So you want to know why I announced it to Suzie?" Santana's face grew stern. "Joseph Joestar is a secretive bastard with absolutely no shame. Were it up to him, the hospitals in Japan would have no idea why the poor boy was having a fever with no natural cause. It was only through looking at the family register did I found the latest addition to the Joestar clan as well."

 _Grunt._

"I could have minded my own business?" Santana chuckled. "Joseph Joestar is one of the most entertaining humans I have ever encountered in my thousands of years of existence. It's too interesting not to get involved. And he frequently digs himself into plenty of shit, so I enjoy his pain and suffering because I had done _nothing at all._ Beautiful, isn't it?"

 _Grunt. Grunt._ Santana smirked, easily interpreting the unspoken words due to the heavy usage of non-verbal cues by his former fellows.

"Your welcome. I notice that candy boy's just about to discharge from the hospital. Why don't you join him then?"

"…Gimme a break…" But as Jotaro turned away, Santana could catch a glimpse of a blush.

"You're stoic. Serious, and a lot of girls like that." Santana spoke up, his eyebrows furrowed in a frown. "I've seen much of the human race during the last fifty years. The exasperating factor about you in particular, is that you think that every man could read the expression on your face. Well, let me bluntly put it to you this way: _Your facial expressions suck._ There is absolutely no difference between your frowns and your smiles, and it _scares_ people. You naturally withdraw away from the world, because people _don't_ understand you. But at the same time, you grow less conscious about what people may feel, and this alienates you further. My advice? Show more expression on your face, and be less serious. Otherwise, you may live to regret it."

 _Grunt._ There was a swish of cloth, before Jotaro was gone.

"Sigh, brats these days. If he continues to put his duty above himself…" Santana gazed into nothingness for a few long minutes, before sitting up with a jerk.

"Oh. So that's why... Jotaro, I hope you take my words into advice…"

" _Or you'll cause your daughter heartbreak."_


End file.
